A letter to my daughters-

My mom, your Grandma Bada, used to write me letters when I was in High School. Even after I had Katie and was still rebellious and acting crazy I would come home and find a 2 or 3 page note in an envelope laying on my bed or taped to my mirror. I hated those letters

I hated those letters, even though they came straight from her heart and she was pleading to me to stop my selfish and self destructive behavior. I put mom through a lot. Mom was never quite sure where I was. I told her what she wanted to hear- what I thought she could handle but she knew things were wrong. She was scared for me and heartbroken.

I hated those letters because it reminded me of everything I hated about my life. They were written in my mom's poor grammar- complete with missing words and misspellings. I hated that she was an uneducated hick. I hated her, I hated who she was- I saw her as weak. Looking back she is the strongest person I know.

I hated that it was her writing it and not my dad- Dad never waited up for me, I never got his attention even when I was screaming for it. The letters pointed out to me that my dad didn't care. Why didn't daddy stand up to me and make me stop? I felt It was obvious he didn't' really care. I was of course wrong- He just never knew how to show love or give forgiveness.

I hated those letters because mom would talk about Christ and would copy all kinds of scripture and would tell me how she had turned me over to God and He was the one watching over me and taking care of me, even while I was out enjoying my sin. Yet she didn't go to church on Sundays- and I didn't see any kind of relationship with Christ. I saw it all as a guilt trip and not an out pouring of her relationship with Christ.

I hated those letters because they reminded me that I was choosing to live in sin.

I wish I could find one of those letters from Grandma Bada and let you read it. But after all these years even if one didn't get immediately torn up I would never know where to look for it. So now it is my turn to write letters.

I thought my life was an open book to you girls- I thought my walk with Christ and what He delivered me from was common knowledge, something I lived out in front of you. I thought that would be enough to protect you from the world. I was wrong.

So now it is your turn to hate me- to look at me and be embarrassed. It is your turn to think I'm crazy and the weak one. But don't be fooled- I am my mother's daughter. It is your turn to doubt how much your dad loves you. But know this … he loves each of you- he just doesn't say it much. Hugging is awkward for him- he's gruff and scary and he has spent so much time away from us working in order to provide for us. I don't think you realize how much he loves you and to what extinct he has and will go to in order to protect you. We will never be wealthy but you girls are our treasures- you make us rich! You have no understanding of your true worth.

I don't' even know where to begin with the spiritual issues. Do you need me to copy scriptures- do you need me to tell you what God demands from us as Christians. Do you need me to tell you about purity, honesty and righteousness? Can I guilt you into whole heartedly serving Christ? The foundation has been set it is your time to choose Christ for yourselves.

I want you to know that I have prayed for you your whole life- you were dedicated to God from the moment I knew you were in my womb. The blood of Christ has been pleaded over your heart and life more times than I can count. Your dad and I have wanted to protect you from the mistakes we made at your age. When I think of all the bad things that could have happened I am humbled by the mercy that God has given to our family. I want nothing but Gods absolute best for you girls and I don't' want any of you to settle for anything less!!

So here we are- where do we go from here? How do we as parents deal with your mistakes, your choices and the consequences of them? I don't' know. We cannot demand a heart change. How do we walk in forgiveness and yet not diminish the weight of sin? Have you really even asked for our forgiveness? I don't know. Can I pretend like I have not been lied to and disrespected- no, I can't. Do I want this to permanently damage our relationships? Of course not!! All I do know is that I love you with my whole heart and yet my love pales in comparison to the love our Father God has for you. We will walk through this, as a family guided by Christ. I have every confidence that when we humble ourselves to his authority everything will be okay.

It is only now that I realize how brokenhearted my mom must have been and how precious those letters really were.

I love you! Love Mom

Are you a Player?

I enjoy visiting Robert Fulghum's website. Fulghum is the author who wrote All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. I love his insight and zest for life; I enjoy his open and free writing style. You should go check out his journal notes on his web site- http://robertfulghum.com, it will make you chuckle and go "Hmmm."
Today Fulghum talked about "players," but not the kind of "players" that may immediately come to mind. I have teen age daughters, when they call someone a "player" they are referring to an unscrupulous male that is out for one thing. That is not what he is referring to.
Fulghum uses the term in a much more innocent and child like way. Remember when we were little and we would ask anyone, "do you wanna play?' It didn't matter if you just met the kid on the play ground or if it was your Granddad, you gave the invitation to anyone. Playing… running, chasing a ball, swinging, playing pretend, and spinning a make believe world! Those were the days!!!
Not all grown-ups have lost the ability to play. I am reminded of the scene in the movie Hook, when the grown up Peter Pan remembers how to imagine and starts a food fight with the lost boys and regains his ability to FLY!! Get it? Those who have retained their ability to see past the boring reality of the tediousness of life and to find the humor that is present all around us are "players." I am hopelessly a "player." When I taught pre-school I turned carrot sticks into "monkey fingers' to get the kids to eat their snack, I took them on walks though the "swamp" and the "rain forest' on the way to our playground. I indulged my own girls when they played dress up and I helped weave an imaginary world where they were living in that little house on the prairie. Now I have our grand baby Cole to play with…it is gonna be fun to play "boy stuff!" I will make a great pirate or cowboy!!
To this day I love talking in an accent and pretending like I am famous when we go to New Orleans. I have been known to have conversations with my dogs. I love to say something off the cuff just to catch someone off guard and I have a long list of occupations I'm going to try out when I grow up. I always thought the word that someone would use to describe the way my mind works would be more in the lines of, senile, coo-coo, nuts, and weird. Today I discovered I am none of those things… I am a PLAYER!! Sounds much better doesn't it??

It's been a Hoover kind of week

Some things in life just suck…they suck like a big giant Hoover Canister Vacuum! They suck like the vacuum on the sit-com that sucks up the hamster or the parakeet. They suck like the time I sucked up the frayed end of a throw carpet and unraveled half the carpet before I could get the vacuum turned off. Things, people, circumstances they can suck the joy and peace right out of lives! Right now I can feel the tug of the vacuum cleaner nozzle on the back of my neck!



Here is my list of sucky things…



Snotty teenagers that keep making stupid decisions or worse can't make a decision



Waiting….I don't care what you're waiting for, waiting sucks



Being separated from those we love



Broken relationships



Cars that keep breaking down



Being overweight- nobody likes being the fat chick; I don't care how old you are



Being in a rut



Not having a maid



Being the victim of someone else's stupidity



This is not a complete list. My list varies from day to day. It's been a long week. I am not typically a negative person. Am I allowed as a Christian to say out loud that things suck? Am I exhibiting lack of faith or a lack of spirituality to acknowledge there are things in my life that get me down? I don't think so. I believe God knows and understands the suckiness of life. Jesus tells us "Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." (Matt. 11:28) Jesus is talking of our spiritual condition- being burdened by our sin and separation from God but I know we can also go to Jesus to find peace in the midst of the sucky things of life. My flesh wants to wallow in self pity and doubt that things will ever get better. The cruel reality is that some things don't ever get better. BUT I don't walk in separation from God I walk as a child of God. I do have peace and rest available to me. So I sit here feeling the tug of the worries of life but I have assurance that I'm not that hamster it will not kill me!

The Flaming B n’ B

I am now the proud proprietor of a bed and breakfast. I am not quite sure exactly when the establishment was opened but we are in full swing! We only have two available rooms but they stay occupied at all times. Well, sort of.

I have two teenage daughters that think they are my guests. They rush in sleep, eat and leave. I am expected to maintain a warm, welcoming environment for them to enjoy during their brief visits. The refrigerator must always be stalked with their favorite beverage and the pantry must hold their requested snacks. I am to pick up after them and be prepared to meet their every need and in return they grace me with their presence and the occasional conversation.

The conversations usually go something like this:

Rachel-"Why can't I find any clean towels?"

Me- "Have you washed any towels lately?"

Rachel-"No, I thought the management took care of that."

Kendra-"Why is this place always a wreck? Someone should clean up around here!'

Me- "I fired the maid; you might have to clean your own bathroom."

Kendra-"In that case I'm staying at a friend's house, call me when you hire a new maid."

Yes, I must be running a bed and breakfast. But instead of my guests paying me to stay in my home I pay my guests to leave. $20 usually covers their absence for an evening. On the occasion funds are not available I am forced to provide in house entertainment. Movie night is popular but is followed up by sleeping in to way past noon by the guests. This just causes me more frustration.

I know I will one day miss my little darling guests but that someday is not today! Today I would just like someone to pick up after themselves and help around the house.

Maybe I should put out the no vacancy sign!!

Here I go again!

I have enjoyed blogging with Katie so much that I decided to start one just for me, non-baby related. 
I'm sure Cole will be a topic of discussion but I did not want to take up our "Baker Baby Project" blog talkin' about me all the time.  You all know how much I enjoy talking about me.  Not as much as Katie likes to talk about herself but alot none the less!
So here it goes...