My mom, your Grandma Bada, used to write me letters when I was in High School. Even after I had Katie and was still rebellious and acting crazy I would come home and find a 2 or 3 page note in an envelope laying on my bed or taped to my mirror. I hated those letters
I hated those letters, even though they came straight from her heart and she was pleading to me to stop my selfish and self destructive behavior. I put mom through a lot. Mom was never quite sure where I was. I told her what she wanted to hear- what I thought she could handle but she knew things were wrong. She was scared for me and heartbroken.
I hated those letters because it reminded me of everything I hated about my life. They were written in my mom's poor grammar- complete with missing words and misspellings. I hated that she was an uneducated hick. I hated her, I hated who she was- I saw her as weak. Looking back she is the strongest person I know.
I hated that it was her writing it and not my dad- Dad never waited up for me, I never got his attention even when I was screaming for it. The letters pointed out to me that my dad didn't care. Why didn't daddy stand up to me and make me stop? I felt It was obvious he didn't' really care. I was of course wrong- He just never knew how to show love or give forgiveness.
I hated those letters because mom would talk about Christ and would copy all kinds of scripture and would tell me how she had turned me over to God and He was the one watching over me and taking care of me, even while I was out enjoying my sin. Yet she didn't go to church on Sundays- and I didn't see any kind of relationship with Christ. I saw it all as a guilt trip and not an out pouring of her relationship with Christ.
I hated those letters because they reminded me that I was choosing to live in sin.
I wish I could find one of those letters from Grandma Bada and let you read it. But after all these years even if one didn't get immediately torn up I would never know where to look for it. So now it is my turn to write letters.
I thought my life was an open book to you girls- I thought my walk with Christ and what He delivered me from was common knowledge, something I lived out in front of you. I thought that would be enough to protect you from the world. I was wrong.
So now it is your turn to hate me- to look at me and be embarrassed. It is your turn to think I'm crazy and the weak one. But don't be fooled- I am my mother's daughter. It is your turn to doubt how much your dad loves you. But know this … he loves each of you- he just doesn't say it much. Hugging is awkward for him- he's gruff and scary and he has spent so much time away from us working in order to provide for us. I don't think you realize how much he loves you and to what extinct he has and will go to in order to protect you. We will never be wealthy but you girls are our treasures- you make us rich! You have no understanding of your true worth.
I don't' even know where to begin with the spiritual issues. Do you need me to copy scriptures- do you need me to tell you what God demands from us as Christians. Do you need me to tell you about purity, honesty and righteousness? Can I guilt you into whole heartedly serving Christ? The foundation has been set it is your time to choose Christ for yourselves.
I want you to know that I have prayed for you your whole life- you were dedicated to God from the moment I knew you were in my womb. The blood of Christ has been pleaded over your heart and life more times than I can count. Your dad and I have wanted to protect you from the mistakes we made at your age. When I think of all the bad things that could have happened I am humbled by the mercy that God has given to our family. I want nothing but Gods absolute best for you girls and I don't' want any of you to settle for anything less!!
So here we are- where do we go from here? How do we as parents deal with your mistakes, your choices and the consequences of them? I don't' know. We cannot demand a heart change. How do we walk in forgiveness and yet not diminish the weight of sin? Have you really even asked for our forgiveness? I don't know. Can I pretend like I have not been lied to and disrespected- no, I can't. Do I want this to permanently damage our relationships? Of course not!! All I do know is that I love you with my whole heart and yet my love pales in comparison to the love our Father God has for you. We will walk through this, as a family guided by Christ. I have every confidence that when we humble ourselves to his authority everything will be okay.
It is only now that I realize how brokenhearted my mom must have been and how precious those letters really were.
I love you! Love Mom
No comments:
Post a Comment